Happy International Wonder Women’s Day

Posted by Natalie Thomas on March 8, 2017 in feminism | Leave a comment

In October 2016, the United Nations appointed Wonder Woman Honorary Ambassador for the Empowerment of Women and Girls (even the ones without Netflix and an internet connection). In unreal times, unreal comical decisions are the best thing desperate men can think up to ‘Save the Day’ on planet Earth.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLG0TkuKM64 2.15mins Lynda Carter (slurring her words and saying a lot of trippy shit like someone who could well be on drugs) and Gal Gadot, the latest younger, hotter actress to pretend to be Wonder Woman, speak for gender equality as Wonder Woman is designated UN Honorary Ambassador

So don’t go worrying your pretty little heads about the state of the world. The UN released a statement saying:

‘As an Organisation constructed by men and run by men, we here at the UN acknowledge the scourge that is patriarchy. Patriarchy is responsible for the biggest single case of discrimination that the history of history has ever faced. To systemically disempower more than half the world’s peoples cannot be defended. It ends here.

It’s clearly time to think outside the box. ‘Grab ‘em by the pussy’ has entered the common vernacular and the speaker of this excruciating sentence, voted into high office. A shonky developer and reality TV star, with a personal penchant for Arms Racing and Twitter Wars, is now in charge of the big red buttons of doom. He is Commander in Chief of Navies, Air Forces and Border Securities and what have you. All the Offensive toys boy’s rebrand as Defensive are now in the hands of a democratically elected madman.

This is why, today, we are pleased to announce that Wonder Woman has been employed by the UN to save us. The UN are particularly excited that such a busy woman has agreed to join our team and work for the greater good. The visibility of Wonder Woman’s brand and the depth of her lived experience in fighting off baddies, make this an outstanding appointment. Wonder Woman is unusual in that she favours peace and love to war and violence and this has made her a symbol of overtly sexualized female empowerment throughout the world.

Wonder Woman is a compassionate warrior with god-like strength and a penchant for bondage. Her unusual skill set and experience in fighting off Nazis (who are clearly making a push back into world politics) make Wonder Woman the perfect choice as UN Ambassador for the Empowerment of Women and Girls. We look forward to working alongside such a well-regarded pacifist icon within the comic book tradition. Women want to be her, men want to fuck her, This is the dawn of a new era,’ the Secretary General of the UN said.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdtyS7L9ChE Life Lessons from Wonder Woman (9.15mins) fighting Nazi’s, working for a man, ‘Woman are the Wave of the Future’

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZETJVOoczs Dance Remix ‘All the world is waiting for you, and the power you possess. In your satin tights, fighting for your rights.’ (6.15mins)

Wonder Woman’s arsenal of advanced technologies consolidated her as an invincible choice for the future of all humanity. Her Golden Lasso of Truth (forged from the golden girdle of Gaea), her indestructible bulletproof Amazon forearm bracelets, her razor edged projectile tiara (it returns to her like a boomerang), her astral projection, her costume includes a bustier emblazoned with Yankee symbolism signifying that America will soon be great again and a golden eagle sometimes strapping in her ample, heaving bosom, her super breath. UN officials were like: ‘Fuck me if Wonder Woman isn’t the perfect fit in the ongoing battle for gender parity. The media are going to eat her up. Those legs of hers go on for days!’

Unfortunately, after just 2 months, a factional group of latte sipping, elitist Femi-Nazis who have infiltrated UN ranks, petitioned that Wonder Woman’s appointment was not culturally sensitive. The Super Heroine was stripped of her Ambassadorship soon after their complaints and sited as just the latest example of the sisterhood turning in and on their own.

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2016/oct/21/wonder-woman-un-ambassador-staff-protest

Rumours circulated that during her brief tenure at the UN, Wonder Woman had fallen victim to workplace sexual harassment. Her boss couldn’t keep his hands to himself. He’s only human. Wonder Woman’s salary package was 72% of what male UN Ambassador’s with commensurate experience are paid. Batman’s remuneration package for his role on the UN Security Council could not be confirmed. Experts claim Wonder Woman lacked confidence in negotiating a better financial deal for herself.

The UN made a statement following the dismissal that Wonder Woman’s ‘overtly sexualized reputation had inflamed tensions amongst her female co-workers who were jealous of her high standing within the male dominated Board of Management. Wonder Woman’s goals to improve the latent potentials of half the world’s population unfortunately remain unrealised’.

Wonder Woman awaits the decision of the unfair dismissal suit lodged on her behalf by her Union, The Comic Book Characters of America. The case will be decided in 2024.

Following her high profile fall from grace the Super heroine now finds herself unemployed and homeless, having defaulted on her sub-prime mortgage. She has spent some time couch surfing and has sort solace in bad men and poker machines. Her invisible jet plane was recently pawned, Having lost her only form of transport, Wonder Woman now travels the public transport system on concession card. She was recently convicted of Fare Evasion when her Lasso of Truth failed to land the Ticket Inspectors.

Whether you are a non-fiction woman or a fictional super hero woman conceived and drawn by a man, the message is clear. Men build you up only to cut you down.

Ambitious young Jessica Rabbit, hoping to build a new career for herself following her bitter divorce from former husband and Hollywood heavy weight Roger Rabbit, hopes she too may have a future career as a UN Honorary Ambassador for Women and Girls. ‘Wonder Woman has broken through the glass ceiling for we animations to realise our full potential,’ said Jessica.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAnNvnViJpo Who Framed Roger Rabbit: Jessica’s Famous Scene (1.50 mins)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yy5THitqPBw Why Don’t You Do Right (2.19mins)

Jessica considers Wonder Woman’s rapid demise in the UN role as a cautionary tale and one she will learn from. ‘Wonder Woman doesn’t get along with other women well, and that was her undoing. I love the sisters, I especially love enabling. I mean, working alongside the other rich white women whose feminism is them putting their hand up for their half slice of the crooked pie. Why shouldn’t women give themselves permission to get their snouts in the trough, so to speak? It’s liberating and it’s how the world works. Wonder Woman was politically naïve is all. Hell of a fighter though. I wish her all the very best,’ said Jessica Rabbit.

‘Goddamn it’ Jessica muses. ‘I thought Wonder Woman was doing an incredible job for all women, and not just window dressing. Following the publication of psychiatrist Federic Wertham’s novel ‘Seduction of the Innocent’ where the expert claimed Wonder Woman’s strength and independence made her a lesbian, many questioned if Wertham’s theory hadn’t adversely affected Wonder Woman’s reputation within the UN.

‘It’s just another boy’s club, they’re threatened by strong lesbian women like Wonder Woman’, said an unnamed source. ‘Wonder Woman grew up on an Island Paradise only populated by women, there weren’t any men to mess shit up. Wonder Woman has always been free from the divisive heteronormative gender roles that play out here on earth.’

In one famous episode from the hit TV show, the unnamed source recalled that ‘Wonder Woman protected an abortion clinic from religious zealots. She was and continues to be a powerful advocate for a woman’s right to choose. That’s the real reason she fell out of favour at the United bloody Nations.’